it's the heart that matters

this year's b'day is not a significant one

i'm not happy.
And i dont think i deserve it.
I'm such a dumb.
for giving you chances to hurt me again and again.

All i want is just acknowledgment.
once again, i feel that im not important to you.
i've heard enough of explanations
you yourself should know better which are excuses
which are sincere.

You're not sincere at all.
i guess i know why i feel insecure and not confident sometimes
how can i be confident when the dearest person of mine doesn't acknowledge me.

I'm not asking for any pressie or what so ever
all i want is just an acknowledgment
simple thing like buying me a cupcake with candle
and sang me a b'day song
would be more that enough to lighten my day.

After all,
It's the heart that matters
but sadly, i couldn't see yours

the final of the finals!

whoots!
it's the end of the finals!
in all, the 7 papers were fine i guess.
except for foundational mathematics.
it's definitely not the fundamental type of mathematics.
got deceived by the stupid deceitful name! darn.
and the passed years questions are definitely much more easier than this.
hope i didn't screw it. aiks.

hmm.
morph to something happier :)
watched 2012
it's awesome for me. very touching.
teared up for many scenes. LOL.

the moral of the movie:
do not take things for granted.
appreciate everything you're having now.
especially the people you love.
don't be shy.
just express your love.
you will feel super duper relieved for making the first step.
you might not know what happens tomorrow.
probably you might not have the chance to say i love you in the next moment.

so,
i love you. :)))

p/s: oh ya. thanks baboon er. love you <3

insignificant

i guess i can't beat that stupid mouse
you would feel unhappy if you couldn't see it
but what bout me
knowing that
im not that significant to you
really hurts

a lot.

it's bout finals again

i did this in the library.
what so good bout air-conditioned room?
a comfy place to sleep.
even though not as comfy as my own bed.

phosphoenolpyruvate, rubisco, malate, oxaloacetate,
glycerate-3-phosphate, glycealdehyde-3-phosphate........
enough of Life Process for today.
off to bed. chiaoz.

cramming for finals

first day of finals -- fever.

oh darn.
no time to care bout the internal body heat now.
it's time for some serious cramming.
cram cram cram.
darn.



i might end up like this cat after the finals.
or during the finals. *sigh*
Best of luck!!

distance

the distance
between us
between our hearts
so near
yet so far

Escape

i wanna escape from the reality.
this is not a good solution though.
aiks.
only God knows what's happening to me.
and wish me good luck on the coming finals.

life?

seriously,
motivation pls come and stay with me.

love sick

i hope that

i'm able to put a smile on your face.



i'm love sick.
miss you.

convincing?

God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.
God, pls remove him out of my memory. i don't need him. forget about him.

i can't even convince myself. sigh.

tasteless

somehow i just feel kinda down
for not being able to figure out what's in your mind.

love is not suppose to be tasteless.

losing grip

i have been trying so hard to control my emotions
but i guess i always failed to do so
nothing would affects me that easily
except you

i'm no longer the best thing that happened to you
i don't deserve it
i know

the feelings are gone
and i couldn't grap it back
i can see it but i couldn't touch it
it feels so insecure
the feeling of losing something that you care the most is
definitely something you would not want to experience

i thought you are still with me
but actually i have lost you gradually

the feelings are gone
and there's no turning back
to fill back the emptiness of my heart

i'm losing grip

again

Mood swings


and where are you again?

Sneak-ers

we sneaked out of the house
to have a plate of double maggi goreng.

LOL

thanks for an exciting yet unforgettable day.
you know how much i love you.
Muacks <3

no further explanation needed.

it suffices.
xoxo

how are you

the first day without you.

i just wanna know how are you.

before i have the chance to speak

i have so many things to tell you before you told me that.
i wanna share my happiness to you.
but i guess it ended up with misery.

thank you.

说好的幸福呢

你的绘画凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呢
伴你断断续续唱着歌 假装没事了
时间过了走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
一开始的不快乐 你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这 真的痛了
怎么了 你累了说好的 幸福呐
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着 你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着 要怎么停呢
你的回话凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呢
伴你断断续续唱着歌 假装没事了
时间过了走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
一开始的不快乐 你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到 这真的痛了
怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着 你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢
怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
我都还记得 你不等了 说好的幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢


oh well.. and i saw this comment from some guy below Jay's MV.

" 還記得，與你約定去南丫看奇石，
還記得，跟你計劃到青藏數星星；
但漸漸的，我開始忘了牽你手的觸感，
開始想不起，醒來時看著你笑的溫暖......
　
也許是我記性不好，很多事情我已忘記怎麼發展，
好多感覺，在我腦海已經變得模糊......
是我先喜歡上你的嗎? 好像是這樣的，
是我先不喜歡你的吧，應該是這樣的。
　
對不起......
我們分手吧 "

déjà vu
sigh

Promise

Remember this?

" I was hoping that you notice my feelings for you is not just from a friend who comes and goes, but from someone who intends to stay as long as your heart conserves. "

"The sight of you makes my days. Without you, my days are black and white. You coloured my life and I hope that you'll always do. "

You'll never leave me right?
You've promised me.

I'll always by your side.
As long as we go through this together, we will be alright.
Love you always.
xoxo

His promise never fails.

I've a story to share here.

There was an Olympic professional diver and he's a non-believer. He never acknowledge the existence of God and he would find any excuse to reject his friends who invited him to their church.

There was one night, he went to the indoor swimming pool as usual to practice as the game was just around the corner. The lights in the court were all off and the night was so dark. But there was a new moon up high in the dark sky. With the dim moonlight, he managed to climb up the stairs to the diving board.

He opened his arms and just when he was about to jump into the pool, he saw his own shadow on the wall. It was a cross reflected on the wall. He kneeled and started to pray. At that moment, he started to believe in God's existence.

Later, a worker from the management department came in and on all the lights in the arena. The diver was so shocked and frightened. Guess what. The pool was drained.

* what if he didn't notice the cross? what would happen if he didn't kneel down to say his prayer? what would have happen if he didn't talk to God?

Great is God's faithfulness.
It's on the cross that God's faithfulness is fully demonstrated.
Look into the cross when you're facing difficulties and pray.
Focus on God's faithfulness instead of your own problems when you struggle.
He'll provide a way out when you're tempted.
He'll give your a hand when you messed up everything.
Fear not because God's love and compassion never fails.

" Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing:
The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue,
fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
The Lord is all I have, and so I put my hope in him.
The Lord is good to everyone who trusted in him."
~ Lamentations 3: 21-25

The promise of God to His people is that
He will never leave nor forsake us,

even though at times it feels like He is absent
when we go through difficult times,
but He is always there,
with open arms reaching out for us.
~ Hebrew 13: 5.

When God closed a door, He will open a window for us.
Keep anticipating,
Keep believing,
Keep expecting,
Have faith in all circumstances as our Father in heaven is in control!

Remember!
He'll never leave us alone.

God's promises will never fails whereas humans' do.
Celebrate and rejoice in God's faithfulness!! :)

Let me go.

Let me go.



if your heart doesn't belong to me.




I'll walk alone.



it might be a dark and heart-wrenching journey.



but i know there'll be lights to guide my path.

Leading my heart to somewhere i really belong.



and
eventually
I'll see the sun.

Just let me go.


if your heart wish to do so.

Kite

I am a kite



flying on a stormy day.

hold it pls

oh well.. I'm back!
with emo mode again..
hmm.. as usual..
i wonder why am i writing and remembering the unhappy stuffs..
instead of the happy and blissful ones..
sigh.. not to think pls..
i hate myself crying for you again and again..
i need to hold my tears..

sigh.. how stupid am i..

Missing him

the worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and know that you can only keep him for this very moment..
not seeing him again in the next hour is already kinda torturing for me..
i just couldn't imagine what if i cannot see him the next day..
next week.. or even next year.. this is really killing me.. *sigh*

i want him to be by my side.. sharing every moment in our life together..
time goes by a lot slower when you miss the one you love.. *sigh sigh*
i wonder will i able to see him the next week.. hmm..

Big girls don't cry *sigh sigh sigh*

i found that i only have the urge to blog when i'm emo.. darn..



Dear,
Love you lots
and miss you loads <3

Rubber Band

stepping into the big gate of university is always something that everyone wish to achieve..
*err.. i guess most of them think that way..
getting a degree..
being address as a university graduated student (or mahasiswa/i)..
is somehow something to be really happy with.. not to mention proud with..

however, after more than 12 years of primary, secondary, and pre-uni studies..
studying in a university will be a brand new page of life..
everything will be like starting all over again.. back into the basic.. the root..
registering for attending lectures, tutorial classes, making new friends..
after all, adapting myself into another new environment.. it's not an easy thing..

it just make me feel lonely even though there're a lot of ppl beside me..
people are just passing around you..
no hi, no byes..
it's like walking alone in a huge campus..
without knowing where to head..
without any directions..

maybe this will the turning point of my life..
molding a brand new May Leng!
throughout the process, many procedures are essential to colour the dull brown clay into an
eye-attracting ornament.

Beauty up my life!
hence, just be a rubber band! flexible, elastic, and stretchable!
or be the clay which is easily mold and alter into different shapes!

daddy is right

a girl always thought that she can change a guy
she thought that as long as their love exists
the guy will be willing to change for her
she wouldn't mind sparing tears
she wouldn't mind giving all she has
she still puts hopes on him even though he failed her

but this time
she gave up
because her heart cannot withstand the pressure anymore
because it is inevitable
and they have to face the reality no matter what

daddy is right
guys are guys
they will never change

her heart is dying
she loses hopes
it's time for her to change
instead of waiting for him to change

Martian & Venusian

so we are different because we have different origins.

since the beginning it is already a wrong move
how to continue the remaining parts without making any mistakes

i knew i have chosen the wrong path
i knew it
since the day it started
it has been a mistake

i have given everything to you
and yet
you couldn't give me what i want
you never try
you just don't wanna try

we couldn't compromise
what else can i say

beside a bye
without turning back

onion

received this text msg from a fren. the content is quite true in certain extent.

女人就好比梨，外甜内酸，
吃梨的人不知道梨儿的心是酸的，
因为吃到最后就把心给扔了，
所以男人从来不懂女人的心。
男人好比洋葱，
想要看到男人的心，
就需要一层一层去剥，
但是你在剥的过程中会不断地流泪,
剥到最后才知道原来洋葱是没有心的.

oww.. have been quite some time since i type or wrote in Chinese.

so how am i dealing with my onion? have i spend enough time to "peel" him?
love is can be torturing, can make you struggle, can make you insane,
yet it's so beautiful that you would cherish when you have it.
once you fall into it, you will be so engrossed until you can hardly excuse yourself completely.
because the power of love is out of limitation, out of expectation.

for me, love is still a big knowledge..
i should have learn to love myself before i spread my love to ppl around me..

behold sadness.

okay lo.

i overreacted again.

it couldn't be pms.

zzzzzzzzz

the eye that behold sadness

seriously i damn hate you! and myself.

oh gosh! it just ruined my mood.
didn't do what you'd promise me.
promises are meant to be broken huh?
you made me feel so happy, then turned me down the next moment. you just make me feel that you're not trying to understand me.
wth. i hate myself for being so vulnerable, so sensitive. i am not blaming you and i know it's not your fault.

so what song can best describes my feeling now?
Hate that I Love You by Rihanna feat. Ne-Yo

love is just so simple, yet complicated at times.
means what o?? i don't understand it either.

[Rihanna (Ne-Yo):]
That's how much I love you (yeah)
That's how much I need you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I can't stand ya
Must everything you do
Make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No...

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
Then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget
That I was upset
Can't remember what you did

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it

[Rihanna:]
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long, that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
Girl, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna (Ne-Yo):]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy (ooh)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so...

[Ne-Yo:]
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Sad and it's not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
How much I need you
That's how much I need you
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you

[Rihanna (Ne-Yo):]
And I hate that I love you sooo...
And I hate how much I love you boy (Hey)
I can't stand how much I need you (I can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah... ooh)
But I just can't let you go (But I just can't let you go, no)
And I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
And I hate that I love you so... so...

p/s: i'm actually exaggerating it. not that serious.
and i don't love him that deep i guess. ah. whatever. let the rain falls on me pls~ wake me up~

a hole inside my heart =(

p/s:
the picture of the cute little feet with a heart-shaped snow was from my cutie Laotian friends in US.
the picture of the tree was taken by me in US. kinda like it.

Colours of Life

I really like the picture on the home page.
so colourful, yet smoothing. not too striking, but vivid.
the lines with different colours are like things we gotta/wanna achieve in our lives.
but everything will still lead us back to the center - happiness.
okay. let's see how it works. hmm.

example 1 :
why we need to study? --> to gain knowledge -->why? -->to get a degree/diploma/ PhD whatever. i don't know the sequel --> why? --> to get a better job --> why? --> to get a good pay --> why? --> to get rich la of course, what else why? okays. who will ask why we wanna be rich? :s --> to buy the things you want --> why? --> to make yourself happy lo!

example 2:
why you apologized 1st after you had an argument with your bf/gf even though you still think that you did nothing wrong and he/she was ridiculous for starting the fight? wow. a long 1 :p --> cause you love him/her and you don't wanna hurt him/her --> why? cause you wanna see him/her happy lo.

Conclusion so fast make conclusion ade. LOL. :
we live to be happy! either you wanna make yourself happy or the people around you happy. i'm actually trying to convince my self to be happy.. zzz...
so we need to enjoy life and live life the fullest.
to add more colours into the pallet of life, or sugar, spice and everything nice into the broth of life.
in order to make life looks beautiful, alluring, interesting, and delicious! wakaka not to forget bout food ;)

currently listening to colours of the wind by Vanessa Williams

nice nice ;))

p/s: i know i'm superficial la.

Tan Leng Leng

kai ye ye, kai mama, and aunt meng chee came for dinner yesterday. mom prepared a lot of dishes as usual
-- we even had pepper soup (neh, the 1 with a lot of pepper with pork internals and meat)

' haiyo, the weather is so hot still cook this kinda heaty food'

'never mind la. they like ma'

errr.. mommy.. you like is it?? :p

after dinner, they chit- chatted lo as usual again
they talk bout everything -- politics, those old man talk la..
then don't know who started to ask who gave me my name.
errrmm.. those temple fellow i guess. before becoming a Christian.
they started suggesting new names for me because i complained that my bro has a special name that is not as common as mine
Tan May Leng arrgghh.. a super common Chinese name
Tan May Li. Tan May Ren. Tan May May. GOODNESS!
What suggestions are that?! :s

even Teh Lok Lok's or Thai Yow Yow's Tan Leng Leng is better than those! i personally think its better
Okay lo. no more complaints la. i'll just shut up and no more new names pls.

Tan May Leng is STILL the best!!! XD

Counting the Days

31st Jan 2008 20.35
a text message from him

' forgive my eyes for admiring your beauty
you stolen my heart the moment you looked at me
call me crazy
call me insane
because every time my heart beats
it mentions your name'

how sweet it was. i remembered it made me teared up after reading. it have been more than a year.i have been missing his 'masterpiece', but he just wouldn't write for me. sometimes i am kinda jealous of the girls he used to write about in his blog. but it seems that i'm always not the subject for him to write.

okays. i know it's kind of stupid to be jealous because of this small matter. errrm.. very stupid indeed. but somehow i just feel so. feeling insecure? seeking for attention? i can't explain it :s

we have not been talking much to each others these days. i wonder why........

My First Attempt

Never thought that I would start blogging someday.

I guess the purposes for me to blog are just:
1. find a hole to shout out my feelings
2. express myself
3. kill the time.

What else can I do besides facing the concrete wall the whole day..
So, blogging is a G-O-O-D way. Hopefully.

I have been doing nothing since I came back from the States.
growing mushrooms
I miss the weather
I miss the food
I miss college
I miss the dorm
I miss everything there
and most of all.. I MISS the people there dearly..

humans are weirdos.
errmm. okays. I am a weirdo.

you'll only start to appreciate thing when you lost it. or. I am.
had been missing home when I was there and now, miss breathing the American air.
had been complaining bout the cold and chill there and yet miss wearing layers now.
had been complaining bout the sugary and fatty food and now, missing the bottomless soda especially lemonade!
I miss everything there.
pls bring me back.

missing the States' clear blue sky ..awww...

Current status:
Craving for something better to do
zzzzz